September 4, 2016

In my life I have chosen to believe that people are innately good, and that circumstances or events in our lives is what turns us bitter. But in order for me to believe that now, I have to question what it is in myself that morphs naturally kind people so sour. For years now I have looked inward, trying relentlessly to pick myself apart, so that I can understand what is so venomous about me that I force people to turn against their instinct. But I cannot believe this anymore. I cannot believe that I am the problem any longer. Now, I believe that it is a choice. You can choose to be kind, or you can choose to be bitter. I choose to be good. But I am choosing to only extend kindness to those that will return it. I am no longer going to waste my happiness on people who choose to be mean. I will not search for the good in people anymore, because some have buried it so deeply that the journey towards it creates too much pain, and I will not let them change my decision. I choose to be good.

April 29, 2016

I always plan ahead, and sometimes I even have a back-up plan, but this year, my outlines were thrown out of the window. At first it terrified me when things started to fall apart. I had break downs and angry days and I took my stress out on my friends and family. Then, I finally had enough. I was tired of being unhappy and I made the choice to live happy and try my best to find the light in even the darkest days. I learned to accept that life can't be perfect, it's not possible. There is always going to be rocks thrown in your way, lakes to find your way around, and mountains to climb. My life isn't perfect, but I'm happy with the little perfections that I can find throughout my life. Learning isn't being perfect, it's not making the same mistakes that you've made in the past.

April 22, 2016

As I explore the busy streets of my new home, I take in the life around me. Much different from the urban Atlanta that I journeyed from, this town was bustling, but seemed to be a bit behind the times. Buildings sat on top of each other, paint chipping on each door and bricks crumbling around the base, but they were so vibrant and full of character. I turned into an alley and found another row of deteriorating buildings, though these looked different from the shops on the streets, more private, more fascinating. nobody else joined me in this alley, which contrasted the heavily populated main road. I stumbled over a small red box that sat in front of one of the buildings. I knelt down and picked it up, it was covered in dirt and had a few scuffs on it, but it was still a pretty box. I turned to the shop that the box must belong to and peered into the window. I saw jewels, beautiful dolls, and luxurious clothing, everything in there seemed glamorous. I turned the nob and opened the door, immediately covering my face to protect me from what I saw inside this deceiving shop...

April 7, 2016

Every night brings a new day, and every new day brings a new memory, a new struggle, a new accomplishment. But I don't think that every day is a new slate, wiped clean from your past trials, some things you can never escape. You can forget, or choose to ignore what you want to, but it did happen, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. When you lay awake at night, just before you close your eyes, you remember that awfully embarrassing thing you said three months ago, you can cower in shame, but then you have to move on. That event shouldn't hold you back from saying what you want to, but maybe it teaches you the right timing and the right audience. I struggle constantly with letting my past mistakes hold me back just because I fail almost every time I attempt something new. But that's just what it is, it's an attempt. It's not meant to be perfect. It's not meant to set the standard for the rest of my life. It's meant to learn from and to take what I discovered not to do, and apply that to my second attempt, and, some day, my fifth success. I still wish that I could burn the time that I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the muddy field as my opponent scored from everyone's memory, especially mine, but I can't. It sits there and reminds me every time I lace up my cleats to make sure that they're not coming undone any time soon. Embarrassment is all part of becoming comfortable with who you are and the mistakes that you make.

April 1, 2016

Why is self assurance so difficult to achieve? Sure, it's easy to fake it. It's so simple to convince everyone around you that you love yourself and that you know exactly what you're doing with your life, but many of us don't feel that way. We promote self confidence, saying that everyone should have it, and I believe that, but it's not that easy. It feels impossible actually, to be proud of who I am and what I can do, when I feel like something can always be better, like I can always be working harder than I am. I am never fulfilled. I never let those around me know, I show them that I am content with this version of myself, but then it feels as if I am lying. They question why I can accept myself but they cannot. To them I say: I am in the very same boat as you, mine just has a fresh coat of paint that hides the disappointment below.

March 24, 2016

The humans flourished naturally in the fields not far from our village, and they turned out to be a great interest for us other worldly creatures. At first we weren't sure how to tame them, they became quite agitated whenever we tried to converse with them. We soon realized that they were of an intelligence lower than ours and therefore couldn't possibly understand our language. We studied them for years and tried to learn their means of communication, but the strange sounds they made were much more detailed than we originally thought. We decided that in order to understand them, we must make scientific sacrifices. A human was sent to us every month, already taken care of and packaged. Once in our possession, we dissected these humans carefully, learning every detail that we could and trying to understand their way of life. We now know of their language that they speak and we are able to communicate with them about their history and where they hope to be in the future. They are not so much unlike us and we are allies now. They understand our need for sacrifice and have forgiven us for their loss. We promise to protect them in the event of an attack from any other source in this universe, as long as they continue to enlighten us on their lifestyle.

March 11, 2016

Spring break is finally here and it feels like just the break I need to think about this past year. It's almost over and I realize that as I enroll for my senior year and start to review for state tests. It's been a rocky one, one that wasn't all smiles and cheers, but it was a year that has taught me so much and that I have matured from a lot. I've learned that you can't let other people's anger or sadness become your own, that happiness is not just emotion, it's often a daily choice, and that no one can tell you how to grieve. Just because the person that you love is upset, that shouldn't bring down your own happiness, and they shouldn't want it to. You can be sympathetic without also feeling exactly as they do. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and the absolute last thing you want to do is go to work or school and face everyone and smile, because if you don't you'll get a barrage of questions asking what's going on, but as my mother has always told me "Fake it till you make it." Being sad eventually becomes exhausting and it seems so much easier to smile, so do it. Decide that you're done being unhappy and let the relief come. Throughout this year I have handled things differently than I might have before, and in ways that I might have judged or made fun of previously, but now I understand why those people did that and why I did it myself. Just because someone disagrees with how you're moving on, doesn't mean that they have the right to tell you that. They don't know what is going to make you feel better. In this upcoming year I want to continue to mature and become someone that I am proud to be, and to never let anyone else's unhappiness make mine any less special.

March 4, 2016

If my life were a movie, three songs on my soundtrack would be:
Come Home Soon by SHeDAISY to represent my role as a military brat, and as a tribute to my father who has fought to maintain my country's liberties and to my mother who held us all together and took on the role of both a mother and a father while he was overseas.
Neon Light by Blake Shelton to show that even though things have been rough at times, I've gotten through it, and things are great beyond the "neon light at the end of the tunnel."
Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran because sometimes I can let the ugly in life distract me and cause stress when I should be concentrating on what's good and beautiful. What I have in my life is so precious and I'm so lucky to have the experiences and opportunities that I do, and I often take that for granted.

February 26, 2016

I turned away from the vibrant coral beneath me and the school of fish to my right when I felt the water rush around me and saw hundreds of little tiny fish go that way. I turn and see a massive whale shark looming behind me, that's the beast that is making its own current in this ocean. The biggest fish in the sea is swimming towards me, but strangely I am not frightened or nervous. I do not want to turn away from this beauty that so few get the chance to meet. I'm educated well enough to know that it isn't after me, it doesn't wish to harm me. This incredible creature only wants it's fill of plankton and fish eggs, which are both in wide variety before me. I swim out of its way, curious to watch the whale shark's behavior. It is truly a gentle giant, although intimidating in size, it will do no harm to me. It swims by me gracefully, an odd thing for such a massive object, and continues on its long journey through the cold depths of this undiscovered ocean.
I'm stunned for a while at the pure and natural beauty that I saw before me. To see one of the most feared creatures of the sea swim past me was a thrill like I've never experienced before. I had always been a fan of sea life, but now I was in awe of all that was around me.

February 19, 2016

It's interesting how things change. How your life is the opposite of what you thought it would be only one year ago, and yet some things are exactly the same. He is exactly the same, but I've only just realized who he actually is. I used to wonder why this happened, why he turned so sour, but now I understand it was a blessing to get away. My mother always warned me, but I was oblivious to her truths. "He's really great mom, and I think I really like him." I said. She was right all along, as mothers always are, I was just too awestruck to see the evil before me. He treated me right, most of the time, and that's good enough, right? Except it isn't. Those moments, when he didn't treat me right, those are the ones that I think of when I hear his name. His memory is tainted. I was never perfect, but I was the best I could be, so why did he do this to me?

February 11, 2016

I can't go out of the house without properly saying goodbye to my family, or to bed without saying goodnight.

I can't buy something new without getting someone else's approval.

I can't go to sleep without turning on an alarm.

I can't start the week without knowing my schedule.

I can't go through the day without checking on my mother.

These are the things I can't do without.

Febuary 5, 2016

I'm comforted by the smell of coffee brewing in the morning, something I've woken up to for as long as I can remember, it's a necessity at my house. I'm comforted by my mother's hugs, and her voice saying "I love you." I'm comforted when all my homework is done and I know I can sleep without worry. I'm comforted by the sound of waves crashing in the distance, and the smell of salt tickling my nose. I'm comforted by thoughts of quiet. So whenever I'm uncomfortable, these are the things I think remember.

January 29, 2016

     He whistled; "There goes the bride" as blood and tears streamed down his face. He didn't want to do it; a part of him really did love her, or rather loved the idea of her. She was just too independent, too stubborn and smart. She didn't fit his mold anymore, she gained too much control over her own life, and she wouldn't work for his plan, so he had to take care of her. He made sure she got her special day, and that she looked beautiful when she went. He dressed her up in her white gown and pinned her hair back the way she liked it. He gave her a kiss and buried her under her favorite tree. He took one last look at the beauty before him, and smiled down at her from 6 feet above.  Finally, she was quiet.

January 22, 2016

   Silly is my mother dancing around the kitchen, no music playing, just the tune in her head. Silly is my sister making crazy faces to make me laugh when she knows I've had a hard day or I'm upset. Silly is my puppy as he tries to chase the only bird who dares to enter our yard, though the poor miniature dachshund stands no chance against the wings of a hummingbird. Silly makes you laugh, it makes you feel good.  Sometimes being silly is a forced act, to make a loved one laugh, but other times it's natural and that's the best kind of silly. That kind makes me smile the biggest and laugh the loudest.

January 14, 2016

She looked into the window that appeared up in the sky.
A mysterious thing to see, was the woman who began to cry.
She tapped on the glass and wondered if the woman would be alright,
But when she looked back up, the woman was out of sight.
She opened up the window, careful not to make a sound,
And started to look closely to make sure no one was around.

In her search she found a door that opened to a hallway,
"Stop right there and go no further" she heard a voice say,
"You've entered into a world you'd rather be without,
Hurry now and leave for the danger is coming, without a doubt"
She turned back to the door, the one from which she came,
And found it to be anything but the same.

The door was gone and in its place, a wall that was all too bare
A deep voice spoke up and said "Only go back if you dare."
There was no way out, and here she was stuck,
She started to cry, and then she was struck,
The woman she first saw, was herself within this glass,
But how many years had passed?