April 29, 2016

I always plan ahead, and sometimes I even have a back-up plan, but this year, my outlines were thrown out of the window. At first it terrified me when things started to fall apart. I had break downs and angry days and I took my stress out on my friends and family. Then, I finally had enough. I was tired of being unhappy and I made the choice to live happy and try my best to find the light in even the darkest days. I learned to accept that life can't be perfect, it's not possible. There is always going to be rocks thrown in your way, lakes to find your way around, and mountains to climb. My life isn't perfect, but I'm happy with the little perfections that I can find throughout my life. Learning isn't being perfect, it's not making the same mistakes that you've made in the past.

April 22, 2016

As I explore the busy streets of my new home, I take in the life around me. Much different from the urban Atlanta that I journeyed from, this town was bustling, but seemed to be a bit behind the times. Buildings sat on top of each other, paint chipping on each door and bricks crumbling around the base, but they were so vibrant and full of character. I turned into an alley and found another row of deteriorating buildings, though these looked different from the shops on the streets, more private, more fascinating. nobody else joined me in this alley, which contrasted the heavily populated main road. I stumbled over a small red box that sat in front of one of the buildings. I knelt down and picked it up, it was covered in dirt and had a few scuffs on it, but it was still a pretty box. I turned to the shop that the box must belong to and peered into the window. I saw jewels, beautiful dolls, and luxurious clothing, everything in there seemed glamorous. I turned the nob and opened the door, immediately covering my face to protect me from what I saw inside this deceiving shop...

April 7, 2016

Every night brings a new day, and every new day brings a new memory, a new struggle, a new accomplishment. But I don't think that every day is a new slate, wiped clean from your past trials, some things you can never escape. You can forget, or choose to ignore what you want to, but it did happen, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. When you lay awake at night, just before you close your eyes, you remember that awfully embarrassing thing you said three months ago, you can cower in shame, but then you have to move on. That event shouldn't hold you back from saying what you want to, but maybe it teaches you the right timing and the right audience. I struggle constantly with letting my past mistakes hold me back just because I fail almost every time I attempt something new. But that's just what it is, it's an attempt. It's not meant to be perfect. It's not meant to set the standard for the rest of my life. It's meant to learn from and to take what I discovered not to do, and apply that to my second attempt, and, some day, my fifth success. I still wish that I could burn the time that I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the muddy field as my opponent scored from everyone's memory, especially mine, but I can't. It sits there and reminds me every time I lace up my cleats to make sure that they're not coming undone any time soon. Embarrassment is all part of becoming comfortable with who you are and the mistakes that you make.

April 1, 2016

Why is self assurance so difficult to achieve? Sure, it's easy to fake it. It's so simple to convince everyone around you that you love yourself and that you know exactly what you're doing with your life, but many of us don't feel that way. We promote self confidence, saying that everyone should have it, and I believe that, but it's not that easy. It feels impossible actually, to be proud of who I am and what I can do, when I feel like something can always be better, like I can always be working harder than I am. I am never fulfilled. I never let those around me know, I show them that I am content with this version of myself, but then it feels as if I am lying. They question why I can accept myself but they cannot. To them I say: I am in the very same boat as you, mine just has a fresh coat of paint that hides the disappointment below.